Birthday!!

My birthday is on 10/01 which is this Monday so my boyfriend is planning something on Saturday and of course me being me I have been trying to figure out what it was and finally today he caved. Well sorta of. He brought up Knotts Berry Farm which i kind of had a feeling it was going to be an amusement park because that is what we did last year. Since my birthday is at the beginning of October all of the parks are doing their Halloween stuff. He asked if that is what i want to do and of course I told him “If that is what you have planned then of course i want to go.. But if it is not what you have planned then i would like to do something different than last year.” Am I being a bitch? I mean for his birthday i thought a lot about it and tried to come up with something he would love to do So i came up with buying tickets to a wrestling thing that i knew he would enjoy attending. Part of me feels like he is thinking about what he wants to do and not what I want to do. I gave him some ideas of things i wanted to do but it doesn’t seem like he is taking any of them into consideration. I just feel like this is supposed to be MY day. and I also feel like he should make up for valentines day when he didn’t get me ANYTHING. Am I being spoiled? I mean it’s not that i’m asking him to buy me something expensive or to spend a lot of money on me. I just want him to put in some thought about what i would like on MY BIRTHDAY. Part of me feels like I am being ungrateful. Am I? Ugh really wish i could just ask my mom for some advise. But of course I can’t since she is in rehab now. I mean don’t get me wrong it is awesome that she is finally getting help and trying to straighten herself out and I couldn’t ask for a better birthday present from her but still it sucks not having her to talk to and ask advise and stuff.. Well at least blogging seems to  be helping.. I get to get my thoughts straight and put them out into the world. Who knows maybe i’ll even get some feed back from one of you guys. Well until next time.

Love Laugh & Live

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You Would Never Guess

You would never guess that somewhere deep inside of me I still love him. Buried under the good girl impression is the real me and that version of me will do the unquestionable in the blink of an eye just for one night with him. Not caring one bit who I hurt in the end. Just for that limited time to pretend we are what will never be. But not even he knows what I am truly feeling when he holds me close and in the darkness of his room i can feel his breath on the back on my neck. I’d love to believe that he could never be this at ease with anyone other than me. That the only time he is his true self is only with me. Just like i am only my true self when i am with him.

College

Whoever said that college was different than high school was full of shit..

I mean sure there is more freedom

You’re not gonna get in trouble if you skip class or don’t do your work.

But as far as socializing go it’s the same bullshit

People buddy up as soon as they get the chance

And once that relationship is established 

well you can forget trying to infiltrate

unless of course you manage to catch the attention of someone of importance

Other than that you can either keep trying to find that group you will finally belong to

Or? you can embrace the loner status.. 

It’s not as bad as you would think

I mean there is no one to distract you when you

are studying

eating

watching a movie

listening to music

or trying to nap

But of course it is all a cover from feeling the true rejection of an entire college student body.

Oh well i’ve made it through 5 different high schools i’m sure i can make it through one single community college.. plus this is just one semester…

OH well off to watch the losers that are too insecure to be alone.. 

ha i’m really good at this whole bitter grapes deal.