Time Heals All

Bullshit.. BULLSHIT…BULLSHIT!!!

It has been almost 6 years since he’s broken up with me.  Although we continue to have this off and on affair it has never been anything more. I tried.. I tried to stop talking to him but I couldn’t. I missed him, the sex, the cuddling, the friendship, the way he had made love even though he was no longer IN love with me.

So I caved.. and i messaged him. At first it was great I had missed his humor and needed a good laugh. And we almost make plans to hang out but I knew I shouldn’t not so soon. Luckily for me he didn’t pull out all his tricks and get me to change my mind the way only he can.

I knew he was out with friends.. I knew he was drinking.. I knew there would be girls.. and I knew he would be flirting.. But  I didn’t need him to confirm it…

his exact words being ” Aww all these girls trust me it’s cute… they shouldn’t lol”

and just like that POW!!!! right in the pit of my stomach JEALOUSY hit. 

All I could think was.. NO shit they shouldn’t trust you.. they will just end up hurt (like me).. but of course that isn’t what I said.”those poor girls they have no idea” and i offer to let him do his thing without feeling like he should respond to my messages.. after all i can’t sound like the crazy jealous ex girlfriend..But he doesn’t take me up on that instead he says that he and his friends are about to leave and if i want to hang out..

And me being me and him being him I say yes.. SO here I go to get ready to see him… Let’s see how much i’m going to regret this in the morning.

 

New Years Eve

So New Years Eve with the boyfriend didn’t go the way i wanted.. and then to top it off my mom is having a rough day and decides to go sleep at the rehab she just graduated from just to put herself in a safe place and she takes my little sister with her.. but it actually turned out to be great my little brother and I hung out all night playing xbox kinect and goofing around It was awesome.. So here we are last night taking our first picture of the year.

New Years Eve

So I was disappointed today because last night my boyfriend told me that he wasn’t gonna hang out with me tonight to ring in the new year together. He said he wanted to go home and sleep even though he doesn’t have to work tomorrow.. But then this morning he comes over during his lunch break at work and saw how bummed out i was So he changed his mind.. I told him we don’t have to do anything special or big. He can take a nap and get some rest and then we can just play games, watch tv, or a movie or something… Now usually I’m not such a demanding spoiled brat but since it’s New Years I made a big deal out of it. After all they say “The way you spend New Years Eve is the way you’ll spend the rest of the year” and what could be better than spending it with the person you love. :D.

One Day

One day

I wont feel this constant worry

I will learn to trust because you will have earned it

One day

I wont kick myself for believing everything has changed

I will learn to expect the worse and hope for the best

I will except your choices and not wish for anything different

One day

I will love myself enough to not need you

I will grow up to match my age

and I will no longer have to pretend

But until that day comes

I will continue to worry and

wait for the day you stop lying

I will continue to be hurt everytime

I’m blindsided by your choices

And I will continue to love you unconditionaly

Until that day comes when i’ve finally had enough

It may not be fair

and i may ask too much

but i’ve had enough hurt

to last me 10 life times

You Would Never Guess

You would never guess that somewhere deep inside of me I still love him. Buried under the good girl impression is the real me and that version of me will do the unquestionable in the blink of an eye just for one night with him. Not caring one bit who I hurt in the end. Just for that limited time to pretend we are what will never be. But not even he knows what I am truly feeling when he holds me close and in the darkness of his room i can feel his breath on the back on my neck. I’d love to believe that he could never be this at ease with anyone other than me. That the only time he is his true self is only with me. Just like i am only my true self when i am with him.